My son is 7 months old this week and his development over the last 6 weeks has been incredible to witness. However there has been one development in particular that has me slightly concerned and that’s his relentless desire to hurt and taunt me. You are probably thinking “how ridiculous you are a grown man and he is a baby”, well that maybe the case but there is no reasoning with him and if you had experienced what I have in the last week alone, you may be crying out for help too. Below are just a few examples of what I have to put up with.
Plastifruitaphobia – My son has a knack for turning the most mundane baby toy into a very dangerous object. On numerous occasions I have been maliciously attacked with a plastic Banana. The tip of that banana has been gouged into my eye, smacked round my head, shoved in my ear and worst of all it has been forced down my throat with such intensity it cut my gums. I am not sure if having a phobia of plastic fruit has ever been diagnosed before but I am pretty sure that is something that I have developed.
Wolverine Claws – I don’t know if there is something in his milk but my son’s fingernails seem to grow at the pace of bamboo shoots, as soon as I cut them they are back again with double the strength. What could be interpreted as my son playfully scratching textiles is in fact him honing his nails into dagger shapes. I have scars of scratches everywhere and the make-up is no longer covering my secret as my work colleagues have started to suspect something.
The Baby Ninja – My boy is also incredibly flexible which helps him get into positions that I could only dream of and along with his quick snatching reflex skills he could easily grow up to be a ninja. He also has a great ability to dodge things especially at feed time, he has been known to dodge a spoon and flick its contents back at me in one single swipe.
I may have been head-butted, fish hooked, had clumps of my hair pulled out [including chest hair!], had a big toe to the jugular, had my lips clamped shut and yanked with some force, had my man bits stampeded across several times but in all seriousness I wouldn’t change any of it! This is what being a Dad is about, you need to be able to take the rough with the tumble and I may moan but I enjoy every minute of it. I just hope my restricted parenting skills can prevent this behaviour transferring into day nursery!